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How To Stop Your Life Turning Into A Horror Movie
Tried and tested tips to prevent your life descending into a gore-flecked frenzy of death and mutilation.
Don't put your embittered twisted homunculus in a basket. Put it in therapy.
Try to avoid doing things for a dare. Peer pressure will get you killed. Just because Little Jimmy broke into the abandoned house on the hill, was captured, experimented upon, and transformed into a weeping wet nurse for a fanged worm baby, doesn't mean you have to as well.
Tried and tested tips to prevent your life descending into a gore-flecked frenzy of death and mutilation.
Don't put your embittered twisted homunculus in a basket. Put it in therapy.
Try to avoid doing things for a dare. Peer pressure will get you killed. Just because Little Jimmy broke into the abandoned house on the hill, was captured, experimented upon, and transformed into a weeping wet nurse for a fanged worm baby, doesn't mean you have to as well.
When interviewing a candidate for the position of school caretaker, check their CV does not include "previous position: the bastard son of 1000 maniacs".
Don't buy old ventriloquist dummies from rundown shops.
If your mother dies, arrange for undertakers to bury her. Don't keep her in the house, dressed in an old cardigan.
Don't buy old ventriloquist dummies from rundown shops.
If your mother dies, arrange for undertakers to bury her. Don't keep her in the house, dressed in an old cardigan.
If a girl with long hair crawls out of your television, refuse to watch her home movies, regardless of how insistent she is.
Past experience shows that the best way to avoid your life turning into a horror film is to be married, aged between 35 and 60, and not American. If you are an American, under 25 years old and having lots of casual pre-marital sex, you may think you're having a good time, but retribution is just around the corner.
If your mobile phone, computer or hair dryer shows signs of demonic possession, unplug it.
If your mobile phone, computer or hair dryer shows signs of demonic possession, unplug it.
When your daughter vomits green slime, suggests that grandma sucks cocks in hell, and rotates her head throw 360 degrees, don't shrug and say "Kids these days!" Remember: you can't ground somebody who can levitate.
Any good diary marks the nights on which full moons occur. Try to avoid wandering the moors on these dates.
When purchasing a new home, make sure the survey includes any ancient burial grounds in the foundations.
Zombies eat brains. Wear a crash helmet at all times.
When purchasing a new home, make sure the survey includes any ancient burial grounds in the foundations.
Zombies eat brains. Wear a crash helmet at all times.
Do not hire the Transylvanian builders, no matter how competitive their quote and their promise to work "through the night".
If you work in the military, resist the urge to keep the monster alive to use it for weapons research. You may think this constitutes a positive can-do military-industrial complex attitude, but you haven't completed a proper risk assessment form for this project, have you?
If you work in the military, resist the urge to keep the monster alive to use it for weapons research. You may think this constitutes a positive can-do military-industrial complex attitude, but you haven't completed a proper risk assessment form for this project, have you?
When creating a new lifeform out of a job lot of spare body parts and some AA batteries, check that the body parts used to belong to nice people.
Never go skinny-dipping.
Never go skinny-dipping.
Don't feed them after midnight. Whatever they are.
